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My name is Tim, and I am looking for a wife.



This is not about what I’m looking for a woman to be, but what I’m looking for her to value. I know that no one, including me, is even close to perfect. No one gets it right all of the time. What matters to me is not perfection, but direction. This is about where she is headed in life, in her heart. This is about her core values and her dreams, about what makes her heart soar and what makes her feel like she is home.

I will know a woman’s core values by how well she demonstrates consistent kindness and femininity in her words and actions. I understand that it takes time to develop these traits, and I’m not asking for them to be already developed. What I am looking for is a woman who is committed to developing them, who is in the process of moving her life in the direction of these core values.

I understand that we are all discovering what's in our own hearts, learning how to be ourselves to the fullest, and trying hard to follow God’s leading. I gladly leave room for these values to look different in a woman’s life than I describe here, and for them to come out differently over time in her heart, just as they will come out differently in my life over time. I realize that someone may share the same core values as I do, but may apply them differently. I’m hoping to find someone whose heart truly does share the dreams, desires, and goals I am sharing here. I look forward to seeing the unique ways they appear in her life.



This essay is also a description of how I think life should be lived in general and what I’m offering as a potential husband. These are the core values I work toward because I believe they are how God crafted us to think and act. These values are who I really am and who I am becoming. I know that we all tend to have a way we present ourselves and a way we truly are—the myth and the reality—where ideals are a far cry from daily life. But what I'm presenting here is who I truly am, and how I live my life. I practically live these values every day. I strive for excellence (not perfection) in my life, and I am looking for an excellent wife. I'm looking for a woman who takes Proverbs 31 to heart. I think it’s important to both be and to look for someone who is kind, lovely, and elegant.

The examples I use here are not meant to be taken literally in every case; they are examples of the kind of heart and direction that I’m hoping to see in a woman. I realize that many of the illustrations I use may look different in a relationship context because people have different perspectives that have to be worked out together as a couple. That is a good, normal, healthy process, and I look forward to it. I am eager to be flexible, to grow together, and to learn what amazing things the Lord has taught my wife that I haven’t thought about before.

The examples I use are about painting a general idea of the kind of woman I’m looking for. I understand that people fall in love with a person, not ideals or traits; while it's important to identify core values, they are not the final word on two people's compatibility. When ideas become incarnate, they often look different than we expected and go deeper than we ever dreamed. I look forward to the ways in which God will delightfully surprise my wife and me.

With that in mind, I am writing out these core values to show the direction my heart and life are going, and to help me in my search for a kindred spirit. I think it is vital and helpful to think through these kinds of issues, and dangerous not to. It’s important to be purposeful and thoughtful in our search for a spouse, and to truly seek the Lord’s will in our pursuit of a life partner.



I realize how easy but unrealistic it is for us to want and expect other people to automatically get excited about a subject we are passionate about, or be on the same page about every value we hold dear. For example, I am really excited about some of the essays I'm writing, but it took me years to even begin to understand many of the concepts. Someone else may not automatically be on the same page with those concepts, and they may not have even heard of them before, just as I had not heard of them until I studied them. And I am sure that my wife will have thought through and been convicted of things that I have not yet been, and her influence will change me in many beautiful ways. I am committed to being patient and gracious, and allowing both of us to grow at our own pace. I am looking for a woman who will extend patience and grace to me as well.

Sometimes we look for specifics in other people that have taken us a long time to arrive at ourselves. And others will have areas where they are more mature, and we will learn from them. We all have areas where we need to change, where we're missing something we should embrace, and if we write off people who aren't there yet, we're passing by good people who might actually be wonderful matches. This essay isn’t about writing off people who are in process; it’s about asking where their process is taking them—where they are aiming their hearts and lives. This essay is about my core values, about where I’m aiming my heart and life.



I am searching for a woman who, first and foremost, belongs to Jesus. Someone who is totally committed to Christ. Someone who understands that she can love God only because He loved us first. Someone who truly believes that her salvation is completely dependent on what Christ did on the cross and that the grace to live a life pleasing to Him comes only through His power. We are called to live extraordinary lives for Christ and because of Christ. I am looking for a woman who will partner with me in that quest.

I’m looking for someone who has a truly Biblical worldview and a solid understanding of the Gospel and God’s grace. When you are deeply in touch and in love with Christ, you can deeply love and be in tune with your mate because God's love is flowing through you. I am looking for someone who is passionate about worshipping the God who created and saved us, enjoying the beauty of His creation, and responding back to Him with love and gratitude.

I am looking for a woman who wants to be attentive to the Holy Spirit in her life. Someone who sees walking with God as a lot like dancing, where we need to trust that we will feel His gentle lead if we remain in His arms, look to His face, and stay attentive to how He is directing us. I’m looking for someone who would go together with me into the Lord’s presence every night in prayer. I’m looking for someone who draws her strength from the Lord, so I look forward to a relationship that is focused on God. I want us to help each other fall deeper in love with Christ.

I am looking for a woman who does not see her relationship with the Lord as a list of dos and don’ts. When we see life that way, we impose those lists on ourselves and others, take away the joy of life, and diminish the beauty of the grace of God. I am looking for a woman who has thought through legalism and has rejected it, especially in a relationship context. I do not want to spend my life trying to earn someone’s favor, not sure if I’ve done enough to merit her acceptance. I’m looking for a woman who loves others based not on their actions but on the love of God flowing through her.

I’m looking for a woman of sincerely good will. Marriage is the foundation of the family, and since I want to have a family that honors God, I want to first create a strong, God-centered marriage. That can only take place where both the man and the woman have hearts that run to God, to goodness, and to grace every day.

I am searching for someone whose heart is dedicated to being godly, kind, caring, tender, generous, gentle, sensitive, intelligent, romantic, feminine, womanly, beautiful, lovely, elegant, classy, noble, and mature. I’m looking for someone with a beautiful heart.

What matters most to me in life is “whom I love, who loves me, and what I do for the Lord.” I long for a deep, satisfying relationship with my wife for the rest of our lives. I crave the lasting fulfillment that will come from walking together in our journey toward the God we love.



I am looking for a woman who is others-centered, who has rejected selfishness on the worldview level of her heart. Being self- absorbed kills relationships. Life and love do not work right if we're focused on our own desires more than on others'. I am striving to live for those around me, and I'm looking for a woman who lives the same way.

I am looking for a woman who is truly humble. The Gospel shows us our utter dependency on the grace of God. We have nothing good to offer in and of ourselves, and any goodness we demonstrate happens because God is at work, and He should get all the glory. If we want to live for the Lord, we have to put pride to death and esteem ourselves rightly. I firmly believe that I am who I am by the grace of God—and His grace alone—and therefore I have nothing to boast about of myself. My boast is Christ and His cross. I am looking for a woman who fully agrees and lives in light of that truth.

I am looking for someone who will cherish me because she cherishes life. She does not take me or us or our existence for granted; she knows that life ends unexpectedly sometimes, and that we should therefore treat every day as a precious gift. I will see you as a gift from the Lord, and our love as my stewardship and privilege. I will not take it lightly or let it be degraded. Because human love is transcendent—a symbol of God’s love for us—I will delight in you, appreciate you, and honor you. You will be precious to me because you are God’s daughter, because you are His gift to me, and because your life is beautiful.

I am looking for someone who is truly optimistic. Because the Lord is both our King and our Father, and because we are in a right relationship with Him, there is no reason to be negative or pessimistic about life, even in tough times. Through the darkest valleys, Christ is our Good Shepherd, so we can always have abundant hope and courage as we face the future. I am looking for a woman who is cheerful and positive, who has a strong faith in her Savior, even when life takes unexpected turns, because of her worldview and her relationship with God.



I am looking for a woman who loves art and music. Someone who loves to read on her own and who would love to read together with me and to read to our kids. Someone who loves essays, especially old ones. Someone who agrees that this world is a playground for our minds and who never gets bored of learning new things and expressing the creativity that God has woven into her. Someone who still views the world as a child does, as a place overflowing with endless opportunity, filled with amazing things just waiting to be discovered. Someone who uses her gifts and talents to worship Him. I see God and beauty everywhere, and I'd like to marry a woman who sees life that way, too.

I am looking for a woman who loves to sing. I don’t mean that she needs to have a great singing voice. I mean someone with a song in her heart that inevitably comes out on her lips because she has so much of God’s love inside her. Someone whose heart frequently wells up with joy to the point of overflowing. I am looking for someone who delights in and expresses elegance. Someone who loves the classics, poetry and literature, antiques, and ballroom dancing. Someone who thinks that she would have been more at home in the eras of elegance.

Someone artistic, who loves color and design. A woman who delights in every aspect of God's creation and finds herself naturally drawn to beauty, and exalts that beauty with every fiber of her being.



I am a gentleman. I believe in chivalry. I will pay for dinner on a date, open the door for you, stand when you leave the table, help you with your chair, and when it is cold and you didn’t bring a coat, you’ll get mine, with a smile. I will walk you to your door and make sure you get home safely. I will treat you with courtesy and honor.

I believe that chivalry is an act of worship. God designed men to treat women with dignity as a way to honor Him, so I will increasingly view you and treat you as a precious treasure entrusted to me by the Lord. I am willing to die for you and, just as important, to live for you. A woman deserves to be treated with courtesy, honor, gentleness, sensitivity, compassion, and love by her man, which is a large part of what chivalry and Biblical manhood are about.

I believe men should be masculine and chivalrous and women should be feminine and ladylike. I’m looking for someone who agrees, and who has a truly feminine heart and life. Femininity is womanly elegance and tenderness. It is a refined mixture of being delicate, elegant, noble, stunning, sometimes flirtatious, sometimes erotic, sometimes motherly, sometimes submissive, always displaying impeccable manners and taste, and always pursuing and displaying beauty and kindness.

I am looking for someone who makes every day lovelier just by being there. She has a sweet, tender heart, and her life touches those around her. She loves to create beauty in her world. She has a character of elegance, tenderness, softness, inter- dependence, and has the goals of being a loving wife and nurturing mother. She rejects the traits of ferocity, arrogance, independence, and the goal of being a liberated woman as modern society defines it.

We as a culture have undermined the traits that make a woman a woman, and have devalued the importance of motherly love. I am looking for a woman who strongly rejects those false notions, and has instead fully embraced her femininity, womanhood, and future motherhood.

A feminine woman’s first priorities in life are to be faithful and loving to her husband, to live her life to please him and to serve him—the same relationship we as a Church have to Christ. In the same way, a masculine man's first priorities are to protect and care for his wife, to live with her in an understanding, considerate way, to respect her as the weaker vessel and as his co- heir to eternal life, to be faithful and loving toward her, and to live his life to please and serve her—the same relationship Christ has with us, His Bride.



I strongly believe in the importance of romance, and I am looking for someone who feels the same. I will not forget the details. I will remember important dates. My gifts will be exquisite, often hand made, and I will put lots of thought into them. I will tell you that I think you’re beautiful and that you’re on my mind all day long. I will leave love notes for you. I will call to let you know I’m thinking about you and praying for you. I will make you bubble baths with candles and soft music. I will kiss you on the forehead when you are sick and as I tuck you into bed for an afternoon nap. I am a romantic dreamer, and I believe these dreams are straight from God, so I am pursuing them with all my heart.

I'm looking for someone who delights in finding romance and beauty in the ordinary parts of life, like waking up to the sun, planting a garden, cooking dinner together, holding hands while taking late-night walks, and lingering on a porch swing in the moonlight. Someone who will always want flowers on our dining room table. Someone who will want to dance, even for just a few minutes, every night. Someone who will want to read good essays, watch sunsets, and count the stars together.

I’m searching for someone who is romantic through and through, who loves to dance by candlelight to soft music, who would take a walk in the rain and spend an hour getting soaked while kissing her beloved, who loves getting flowers, and wants to cuddle. Someone who wants her husband’s affection and passion directed toward her often, who will want to see him staring at her from across the room, admiring her beauty and delighting in her. Someone who views being romantic as one of the most meaningful, spiritual, and worshipful aspects of life. I am looking for an exceptional woman because I believe we are meant to live exceptionally beautiful love stories, because of God and for His glory.

I am looking for a woman who knows that her true beauty comes from the inside out. Someone who believes that there is strength in both her inner and outer beauty, and that her loveliness can bring healing and comfort to those around her. Someone who understands that attractiveness is a gift, never meant to be used to show superiority or to put others down, but to lift others up and point them to the Lord and His beauty, of which she is a reflection.

Whomever I marry, I will serve, and will think of her pleasure far before my own, from the dishes in the kitchen to love in the bedroom. When our babies wake up at night, I will be glad to tend to their needs so that you can rest. I will go far out of my way on the ride home to get you the special kind of cookies you like that only the particular bakery on the far side of town can make.

I want to be the most romantic person I can be, and truly caring, for real and for good, not just for a little while. I will go out in the middle of the night to get you whatever you ask for. I will drop everything to focus on you, give you eye contact, and listen intently to you. I will give you reasons every day to find comfort in my strength and to feel secure in my commitment.

I will treat my wife like a princess every day of her life. I will shower her with affection, flowers, kisses, and all my attention. I will tell her how beautiful she is. I will bring her breakfast in bed. I will lie under the stars with her. I will leave rose petals on the stairs up to the bedroom. I will stay awake to watch her sleep. I will hold her close just to hear her heartbeat. I will hold her around the waist. I will remind her of how much I care.

I am looking for someone who would do the same in return, who would cherish me to the end, who would constantly think of how she could care for me and our family, and who would give everything out of a loving heart. I value the kinds of attitudes that create the environment in which a little boy gets to see his dad often hugging his mom, protecting and sheltering her, proving that he is willing to die for her because he is always willing and glad to live for her. Whatever I may be called to sacrifice will be a joy, and it wouldn’t really be a sacrifice: it would be a privilege.

I long for the days when I will know that there is someone who is thinking about me, who can’t wait to see me, and who will greet me with kind words and a tender embrace. I’m looking for someone with whom I can create a home with love and joy. Someone gentle- and quiet-spirited. Someone who is sentimental, who loves to share intimate thoughts and feelings.



I am looking for someone who truly has a good sense of humor and loves to laugh. Humor is a big part of how I communicate with my friends and how I communicate on a variety of levels. My friends and family consider me a witty person, and I want to be able to relate to my wife in that realm—but never, of course, in a crude way. Laughter truly is good medicine. I know when to be serious, and can be when I have to be, but I think most of us take life far too seriously and need to lighten up, laugh, and smile more. That idea affects the way I interact with others. I'm looking for someone who also loves life enough to have the joy I'm talking about.



I’m looking for someone who looks for ways to use her creativity to touch those around her. I love being creative and coming up with ways to make people feel special and loved, and can't wait to bring that into my marriage.

I'm looking for someone who loves to have fun. Someone who would take dance classes with me, go ice skating and make snowmen in the winter, who will try new foods, go on adventures, and get in the car at the last minute for a day trip to the beach. Someone who loves surprises. A woman whose home will be so full of laughter that those who live there or come to visit us will be swept up in the overflowing joy.

Someone mature enough to be serious about life issues, yet childlike enough to sometimes be silly. Someone who can be a kid at heart, who's not afraid to run in a sprinkler or play on the playground, and never too old for arcades, kids' games, or Popsicles. Someone who enjoys a night at the symphony or waltzing the night away, but can also cheer on her favorite sports team. Someone who takes the time to understand the theology of John Calvin but still enjoy Calvin and Hobbs.

I am looking for someone who is able to be in every mood and in control of all of them—from serious to fun to happy to playfully romantic. Someone who is captivating and cheerful, sometimes giddy and even cheesy, and yet able to be serious when she needs to be.



I am looking for someone who will be deeply and totally committed to her husband. Someone who could never be cold, calloused, or walk away from the relationship, and who values the covenant of marriage. Someone who wants to see her husband standing next to her, Lord willing, from the very beginning until the great-grandchildren come to visit. Someone who believes that marriage as God intended it is the uniting of two hearts and lives in Christian love. Someone who intends to create a home where promises made are promises kept.

I am looking for someone who is able, when times are tough, to see through initial reactions of hurt and anger to what is going on in the heart. A woman who can see past the surface to what is really happening on the inside, who can show and receive love and affection, even in difficult circumstances. That is what I am committed to, and I am looking for a partner who shares that mentality. I will not mock you; I will handle your heart with care. I believe that true love won’t desert others, so I’m looking for someone who will be steadfast and loyal to her covenant for life. Someone who has adorned her heart with grace and kindness, whom I can trust will remain faithful to those values for the rest of her life.

I am looking for a woman who wants to develop a strong vision for our married life, so that together we can weather the storms, keep our torch burning, and leave a legacy of glory to God and faith in Him. I want a genuine tenderness that lasts, that transcends daily life, and that is truly one in a million. I want us to pursue closeness and affection every day for the rest of our lives, no matter what life throws at us.

I am looking for someone who intends to make her love for her spouse permanent, and who will not give up or become indifferent. I am looking for someone who strongly values abiding love. Someone who knows that disagreement and woundedness in a relationship are inevitable, and when they happen, will be able to see past the immediate to the hurts inside, and show love and affection anyway.

Love is a choice, and I am looking for a woman who is willing to make that choice, for better or for worse. Romantic love is great, but it has to be accompanied by a solid commitment. Most people spend more time preparing for their wedding than their marriage. I’m looking for someone who is deeper than that, who sees our relationship with the Lord and our continuing desire to love and serve each other as the solid foundation of our marriage.

Marriage is a gift from God where two people learn how to express and receive love more than they’ve ever done before. I understand that sometimes perceptions influence our relationships more than reality, that marriage is a place where anticipations and ideals don’t always come true, and that sometimes our past affects the present more than we want it to. I am committed to servanthood and to the growth process that is part of marriage, so that I can learn to love you the way you need to be loved, weaknesses and all. I understand that this relationship will be a refining process that requires humility and maturity in order for us to truly love each other the way God wants us to.

I believe that God delights to give His children good gifts, and apart from salvation, the most important way He shows us His love is by providing human relationships in which His love can be expressed. A man and a woman come together not merely by a ceremony, but by the power, love, and grace of God. It is only because of Christ's love for us that we, too, can truly love one another.



I understand and believe that both people need to enter marriage as whole and healthy as possible. Marriage is not meant to make us whole. I do not mean that people need to be free of a past, or of wounds. We all have things that have hurt us and left scars. But we can’t ultimately look to other people to heal us or make us happy with ourselves and with life. We have to take those cares to the Lord alone.

To ask others to be for us what only Jesus can be is to place an unhealthy and unrealistic burden on them. I am sure that if both people are kind and loving, then marriage will be a place where both feel completed, but I am not seeking to be made whole by anyone other than Christ. I believe that we must find our self-confidence in our identity in Christ, not in our spouse.

Having said that, I also think that Christ often helps us become whole and provides for our needs through others, especially those who are closest to us. Our loved ones help us blossom into the fullness of the men and women we are meant to be, so it’s right to long for intimacy, and it’s beautiful to enjoy a safe relationship that brings healing. But these desires must take second place to the desire to know God’s presence, to dance the intimate dance of love and safety with Him before we dance it with anyone else.

I recognize our tendency as humans to look to each other to fill the places in our hearts that only God can fill, and I know that if we put those expectations on our loved ones, we will be disappointed. I understand that we have to be filled by Christ so that we can give ourselves and love with all our hearts, without unfair expectations. I am looking for a wife who also recognizes that, and does not expect me to be the answer to her problems or to fill the place in her heart that only God can fill. I long to consistently minister grace to her, but while I will do it feebly, God will always do it perfectly.

I believe that we should not try to use others to solve past issues. I am looking for someone who, if she has issues from her past, is healed or at least in the process of healing, and is releasing those wounds to our heavenly Father. Getting married can not and will not resolve past issues, and trying to use new relationships to fix old issues creates shackles that bind people from being the individuals and the couple that God designed them to be.

God designed us such that when we fall in love with Him, that love overflows and naturally causes us to selflessly love another human. We are not meant to live alone. We are meant to eat together, work together, live together, and sleep together. We’re not meant to handle life on our own. Relationships are what keep us grounded and push us forward. Intimate relationships can heal wounds we've hidden for years. In a close relationship, we learn to love when we're empty, to show grace where there's none due, and to unveil our flaws and begin to change. It’s where we learn to be good forgivers and to live out the love God has shown us.

I believe that people entering marriage need to be happy with themselves. Healthy relationships can’t develop if there are feelings of self-pity, resentment, blame, or helplessness going on in either person. I am committed to being as healthy as possible, and am looking for a wife who is equally committed to that goal.

I believe that an important part of letting go of the past is learning to forgive ourselves and others. It is important to see how God uses the circumstances of our lives to draw us closer to Him, so that we don't become bitter at our wounds or at those who wounded us, but instead more focused on God. I am looking for a partner who believes the same, who sees her life—past, present, and future—through the grid of God's sovereignty and love.

When we come from that perspective, we are free to healthily pursue our desires for union with another person. God put those longings in our hearts, and we’re not supposed to ignore them; we’re designed to not accept anything less than understanding and pursuing them. We should love life and thrive, but still admit that God placed a need in us for a spouse. I see all those dreams and desires as worthy of pursuit because God crafted us to pursue them.



I believe that someday I will find a woman who wants us both to share our hearts with each other, and who will be safe. That isn't as easy to find as it should be, but we will convince each other that our relationship is a safe haven by our sincerity, openness, and the simple ways we consistently care for each other. I want my wife and me to be able to fully share what's in our hearts with each other. I look forward to both of us creating and enjoying a relationship and a home that is a safe harbor in a crazy world. Sometimes I dream of when we will be together, perhaps talking late at night, and her voice might become soft and low, and when she speaks, it will be with delicateness and the kind of affection that I want in a life partner. That thought makes me long to be with her more and more. Our eye contact and tone will caress each other's hearts; our voices will be gentle, loving, and utterly trustworthy; and our words will communicate deep, tender meaning.

I’m looking for a best friend for life. I’m looking for a woman who is trustworthy, someone with whom I could share my heart, and know that she will always care. I’m looking for someone who will share her heart with me, too. I look forward to cultivating a love that is real and a relationship that is secure. I am looking for tenderness and delicate affection that is one in a million so that we can live out a beautiful story that is a testimony to those around us.

I am looking for a woman who wants to be supportive of her man. I look forward to a relationship where we both respect, value, and encourage each other’s ideas and dreams. In the areas where we have different dreams, I hope neither of us will see the other’s dreams as secondary, but will be committed to talking through our differences with kindness and respect so that we can come up with creative ways to try to fulfill both of our dreams. It will be a fun process, so long as we both understand, respect, and help each other pursue what God has put on our hearts.



Safety in a relationship requires both people to be humble and meek enough to forgive and extend grace. It requires people to understand pain, not gloss over it in their own lives or others’, and respond with compassion. It requires people who admit that life isn't always easy, but who have matured and found the source of true joy: our certainty that God sees everything, cares immensely, has a plan, and is working in our lives. I'm looking for someone who can honestly say she knows what it feels like to say and mean with all her heart that sometimes the Christian life can be reduced to the cry, "So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf," and who clings to God through it all because she knows that He is both the powerful King and her loving Father.

I want to love and be loved, without fear. I want to know what it feels like to crave someone and be craved, and to fully enjoy it all without guilt, fear, or inhibition. I will hold her hand. I will kiss her forehead. I will tell her she looks beautiful. I will write her love letters. I will look her in the eyes. I will invite her to fall asleep in my arms. When she’s sick, I’ll take great care of her, and will gladly stay up all night with her to help her get better. I will believe in her dreams and will do everything I can to help her achieve them. I will remind her of her worth by my words and my actions.

I looking forward to creating a relationship that is delightful, sweet, and consistently safe, meaning I look forward to waking up each morning in a content and happy home free of negative outbursts and destructive self-interests. I believe that such a relationship is easily possible and is the bare minimum for what the homes of Christ's disciples should be like.

This dream is one of my greatest hopes. The dream is not just marriage, but a covenant of exclusive kindness between that woman and me, which will simply need the softness of the voice, and when we are too old to speak, the gentleness of the eyes, and when our eyes cannot open, the memories of the many prayers prayed, tears cried, and joy soaked in and relished together as a couple.

I’m looking for someone who will be devoted to her husband for life. Someone who will be my pride and joy, my dream brought into reality. I’m looking for someone who truly believes that’s the way life is supposed to be, and that such an aspiration is not unrealistic idealism, but is simply the plan that God designed for His children, which we are privileged and responsible to pursue and exalt, so that we can live extraordinary lives for Christ.

My goal is to find a woman who will slowly hand to me her heart, unreservedly and in all its glory and stain, and who will allow me to hold out to her mine, unreservedly and in all its glory and stain, each one of us respecting, forgiving, loving, and devotedly caring for the other. I delight in that dream, where such an exchange will be one of the dominant, overshadowing commitments we make to each other. I am offering and looking for security and stability.

I will know I have found security and stability when it’s clear that she sees both her own faults and mine through the eyes of the Cross, knowing full well that we are both sinners in need of constant grace, and that once we’ve made our choice of each other, that the relationship will not be about setting up lists of performance for each other, or putting each other down where we fail, but about both of us seeing the other person as a stewardship, as a person whose heart has been entrusted to us by God to care for.

Even when we go through times of hurt, both of us can choose to love instead of to just walk away, get angry, or lash out. Even in the midst of conflict, we both can send messages like: “You are more important than this issue,” “Your heart is immensely valuable to me,” “I want to focus more on understanding you than on being understood,” “I will not judge you for being weak or imperfect,” and “I will love you, stand by you, and support you.”

I will do my best to treat my mate in a way that makes her feel truly respected. I will seek to live with her with compassion and sensitivity, and in an understanding way. I will affirm and encourage who she is and who she is becoming. I want to create a relationship where we can both completely be ourselves, where it is safe to be weak, or strong, without it being perceived as a criticism or challenge to the other person, where we keep short accounts, and where we consistently give our best and our all for each other.



I am aware of the reality that we all sin and therefore need forgiveness and grace, and I am committed to pursuing the Lord and growing closer to Him, despite the ways in which I fall short. I have things to work on in my own heart, as we all do, but I want to be doing a continually better job. My heart longs to think, act, and react more maturely, kindly, and godly today than I did yesterday.

I will want to know if anything I do or don’t do frustrates or disappoints you, and I will work diligently to listen, understand, ask your forgiveness, and make it right. I am able to admit my mistakes and shortcomings. I am resolved to keep the Cross before me every day so that I never forget that Christ died because I am a sinner, and that I will need to hunger and thirst each day for Christ’s righteousness to be lived out in my heart to keep me from our human tendency toward selfishness and pride.

I am looking for a woman who has the same core values, who is humble enough to admit where she gets it wrong, and who is willing to change to be a better person. Someone who is able to see, admit, and deal with her own issues and shortcomings honestly and sincerely.

If there is ever any part of our marriage about which we need to ask for help from another or get a resource to guide us, I will gladly do so. I am not too proud to ask for assistance. I am looking for a woman who would do the same.

I'm not talking about trying to change each other. I'm talking about two people who are already giving all that they have to make each other’s lives delightful being willing to change and better themselves on an ongoing basis so that they together become something they could never be by themselves. Humility is essential in marriage, and when I'm wrong, I will admit it; I'm looking for someone who can do the same. Life is a continual refinement process, and I want a marriage where both people joyfully embrace that dynamic.

I view marriage as two sinners struggling and forgiving together, learning about God’s grace together, so it’s very important that both people be dedicated to not getting stuck in any relational or personal ruts, especially bad habits that make life difficult for the other person. I will be thinking to myself, “Is there anything I can do or change to make her life easier or more fulfilling?” and I am looking for that same mentality in a wife. I will look for ways to make our home an ever-sweeter place for you.

I value sound relationships which are not contriving or scheming, and environments free from hostility and unnecessary conflict. I am looking for a spouse who values living in quietness, peace, and harmony. I would not be at home with someone who felt comfortable attacking others or not looking for the best in them. Conflict is best worked out in a spirit of open communication, where both parties believe in each other and are fully vested in making the relationship thrive.

I do not believe that fighting is ever appropriate in a relationship, but I understand that there will naturally be times of conflict, and I am committed to approaching them fairly and kindly. I understand that people hurt each other even when they don’t intend to. I understand that “conflict is the price we pay for a deepening sense of intimacy.” I understand that conflict is an opportunity for two people to edify each other, to build the relationship, and to develop even stronger bonds.

In the midst of any storm, we can support and affirm each other by not becoming negative, by understanding and guarding the power of our words, and by going into marriage with our eyes wide open to the realities that intimacy takes work. Life with another person can sometimes be hard, but I believe it will be more than worth it if both people have hearts of good will and love each other consistently.

I am looking for someone who believes that in a conflict, we should seek to understand where each other is coming from and choose to work through the conflict with the goal of coming out closer to each other when the disagreement is over. Someone who thinks that it’s important to talk through what each person thinks, feels, and needs. In order to stay emotionally connected, we need to build deep trust, and part of that is the willingness to be vulnerable, to risk being hurt, and to be able to admit when we’re wrong. If the friendship is built upon mutual respect, safety, and trust, the expression of emotions and needs can be a stroll in the park—with occasional foggy paths, but hand in hand—where a couple can express themselves without fear of rejection.

I’m looking for a wife, who, if she were in a marriage with a man of good will, and there were disagreement going on between her and her husband, would see past the immediate situation to his value and the value of their couplehood. She would show love and affection anyway, and would stay emotionally connected to him by calmly and lovingly communicating until the issue is resolved, not raising her voice or getting out of control. Her love for her partner would lead her to a healthy compromise and resolution. I am looking for someone who also desires the same from me.

I want a marriage where neither spouse feels felt put down or belittled, where neither person is forced to struggle with feeling unloved or unappreciated by the other. I believe that when faced with a conflict, we can work to deepen the relationship instead of just trying to prove a point. I want to focus not on a victory for one of us, but for a resolution for both of us, with total respect and love, no matter what the topic. I am looking for someone who would never create or support a tense environment full of conflict, drama, and pressure, but instead someone who will work with me to make our home a place of love all the time—even during hard times.

I am looking for someone who agrees that passive-aggressive behavior is not an option. Someone who will not roll her eyes, sarcastically sigh, or ignore me. Someone who refuses to give herself permission to become resentful. Someone who considers it an unacceptable path to use rude behavior, speak rashly, confront her mate publicly or in front of the kids, use categorical language like “You never ...” or “You always ...,” bring up past faults, raise her voice, call names, use condescending tones, or demean each other. Gossiping and other forms of tearing each other down are quick paths to destroying our friendship, so I am looking for someone who has kindness and the infinite worth of other people deeply ingrained in her worldview.



I value traditional gender roles and want to be in a relationship that celebrates them yet does not force either of us into a mold that we don’t decide on together. I want to live the way the way the Bible and nature itself tell us to.

I believe that men are half of God’s picture of what being in a relationship with Him is like: they exemplify the pursuing, romantic, adoring heart of God. I believe men should take the lead in steering the family toward spiritual things and toward family goals that are decided together as a couple. I believe that women are the other half of God’s picture of what being in a relationship with Him is like: they exemplify the lovely, receiving, tender, supporting heart that God longs to find in His people. Together, these complementary traits portray the beautiful nature of God and of His relationship with His Bride.

I believe that our relationship will work best when my wife and I are both fully committed to serving each other and putting each other first, with love and respect, and to submitting ourselves to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

I believe that men are responsible for spiritual leadership, but that does not mean that women have to submit in every disagreement. God designed relationships to be a team effort. A man’s call to be a spiritual leader means he should guide and direct his family toward God with a humble, loving attitude. A woman’s call to be his supporter and helper means that she should follow him as much as she is able, as unto the Lord.

Our value and worth as husband and wife are equal, but our roles are different. Both men and women have roles to fulfill that are equally valuable, but they are not the same. A husband is called to lead with a servant’s heart, and a wife is called to lovingly follow.

I believe that God has ordained the man as the spiritual head, the responsible provider, and the initiator of love in marriage. I believe that when a husband is in step with the leading of the Holy Spirit and his wife has a tender heart, his character can make her proud and she can find in him the safe haven for which she longs.

If the Lord blesses me with a wife, I will look to Jesus as the true Leader and Head of our home, and will see our marriage as a journey we take together toward Christ-likeness, as co-heirs of our inheritance in Him. I long to be trustworthy as my wife’s husband—to serve and love her in all circumstances.

I believe it is possible to lovingly and respectfully lead a home without being controlling, just as I believe that men can be masculine without being chauvinistic. I believe women can lovingly follow their husbands without being sarcastic and without being doormats.

The Bible teaches equality between the genders, but it also clearly teaches different roles for the genders. God explains marriage by comparing it to His relationship with Christ. They are One, and they are equally God, but the Father has the ultimate plan and responsibility. The Son trusts His Father and submits to Him.

It is like two bowls, one porcelain and the other copper, which cost the same amount. If the husband is copper and the wife is porcelain, we should not conclude that she is of lesser value—a porcelain bowl in some settings even appears to have much greater value than a copper bowl. The bowls are different and have different functions in different settings, but they are both of equal worth.

I believe that for a woman, the lifestyle of submission is ultimately the path to exaltation. It is the goal of every man with a heart of good will to exalt his wife. When men lead well, they protect women and proclaim their great worth. When a boat is sinking, men call for women and children to get into the lifeboats first, out of a desire to protect them. In dancing, when a man learns to lead really well, the audience doesn't say, "Wow, he leads really well!"; instead, he actually seems to disappear, and all eyes are on the lady—on her beauty and her dancing. She looks good because he is doing his job well, and that is exactly the way he wants it. He wants to work hard, pouring out his energy and his heart, so that she can be free to be all she should be, and receive the attention and praise. For a woman, the place of submission to a good husband is ultimately the place of exaltation— which is true for all of us on a spiritual level when we submit ourselves to live the way God intended.

The husband is given the ultimate responsibility to lead his family, but seen Biblically, that responsibility is a servant role, where he is called not to dominate but to rank himself under his wife and children, and to put their needs and interests above his own. In the picture of the Gospel, Christ submitted Himself to the Father’s will. When we become children of God, we also submit ourselves to the Father’s will. God asks the Christian marriage to reflect this obedience. God, who is the ultimate authority, does what is best for His family, but in doing so, becomes the ultimate servant, and gives up everything, including His life, to serve that family. He makes the ultimate plan, but it is one of servanthood and self-deprivation, where He pours Himself out for the good of those He loves.

God brings people together to be a symbolic expression of His relationship with us. Part of that happens through love, and part of that happens through our roles within the relationship. God designed marriage to portray sacrificial love, in the same way that Jesus loved us enough to die for us. I believe that God brings people together as a demonstration of His love for them, so that they can bring joy to one another and meet each other's needs. He does all of this because He delights to give His children good gifts.

The symbolic part of marriage portrays Christ's role with the Church. God designed us with different roles: the husband best honors God when he lovingly and sacrificially leads the home, and the wife best honors God when she submissively follows her husband. This kind of relationship illustrates the loving sacrifice Jesus made for us and shows what our response should be toward Him now that we're saved. Only by willfully living such roles can we find true fulfillment in marriage.

I believe that men and women are given distinct but complementary roles, and that they are intrinsically tied together with our masculinity and femininity. Had sin not entered the world, and no one ever muddled the roles, we'd find that Adam would have naturally tended to sacrificially love Eve, and he would have sometimes made decisions for them as a couple. Eve would have naturally tended to respond in love to Adam, would have wanted to follow him, and would be proud when he led well. And even now, I think it's possible for couples to complement and support each other in this way.

Such that even with sin in the world, God can tell us:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior. As the Church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just like Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her . . . husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies . . . each one of you must love his wife . . . and the wife must respect her husband.”

And

“Wives . . . be submissive to your husbands. . . . Husbands . . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

These passages make it clear that Jesus definitely leads His bride—but it's after He's made it clear that He has Her best interest at heart, and that He will do anything for Her, even at His own expense. A man of good will is a considerate leader, a tender warrior, a man who can lift up a grand piano but put it back down gently without a scratch, who can be strong but meek, and who will not use his strength or his role in a wrong way.

In marriage, I think a man should be absolutely dedicated to his wife, willing to rank himself under her in every way. Then, when he's established that precedent, when he's created a context in which she can trust him and know that he has her best interest at heart, he can take the lead in suggesting future paths and initiating new directions in their marriage. I do not believe that men should lead in large issues until they have established a precedent of trustworthiness in small, everyday issues, and have a solid track record of respecting, loving, caring for, and listening to their wives.

A man is an adventurer, and he needs a traveling partner; he needs someone to support and encourage him, and to build him up. I think that Christian women with a Biblical worldview naturally want to find a good man who will lead, who will take care of the home and the family, who will initiate reading Scripture, praying, and talking about the things of the Lord, and that godly women find themselves most at peace when they're able to trust and follow such a man.

As both men and women submit to and serve each other, so that masculinity and femininity can truly flourish, a man should then tenderly lead. He should steer his family with his wife's wisdom and intuition thoroughly involved as his counsel and conscience. It is his wife’s responsibility and privilege to respectfully be involved while following his lead, not coercing him to initiate what she wants him to initiate, but actually letting him take his lead from the Lord, and putting her heart in his hands, knowing that he cares for her and is trying to follow God.

If a woman does not submit to her husband, I do not believe it is ever his place to try to force or even remind her to do so. I do not believe in coercing anyone to think or do anything. I do not believe one person should dominate and another be subdued. I think both people can and should speak their minds, and if a wife does not want to submit, the husband’s role is to pray, reflect, and double his efforts to make himself the kind of man that she'd want to joyfully follow, and to take the lead where he can.

I am looking for a woman who does not equate submission to being passive or not having a will of her own. Proverbs 31 clearly shows that a godly woman is not a doormat or unassertive. Likewise, I am looking for a woman who does not see her husband’s leadership as a dictatorship, a woman who believes that men must respect their wives. Men of good will who listen carefully to God’s voice take care of their wives so much that their wives will feel better cared for by their husbands than they ever were by themselves when they were single.

If a Christian didn’t want to submit to Christ, a major part of our task would be to try to understand where we’d misrepresented His Lordship—His being the Chief Shepherd. We’d need to find out where we’d painted the picture as anything less than one of His being the loving, gracious, patient, caring, tender King that He is. And if we could get that right, and repaint the picture the right way, where His being King is seen as the securest, most blessed place for us to be, so much that we’d truly want to be there, then we’d be accurately painting a picture that those who submit to Him are not getting into something that hinders or hurts them, but that sets them free and makes them happy.

That same idea carries through in marital submission. If it’s not making the wife happy, either the man is doing something wrong, or the woman is doing something wrong, or they’re both possibly doing it right but not communicating well. In the end, true godly leadership and submission, done God’s way, will always produce joy for everyone, and will therefore ultimately be attractive to both men and women.

I believe that in every aspect of marriage, my concerns as a husband should be for your needs as my wife, and yours for mine. If we keep that mindset, we'll find ourselves deeply aware that we're fulfilling these spiritual symbols, and be more fulfilled ourselves.

I believe in kind, tender, approachable male leadership in a marriage, and at the same time, strong partnership and cooperation between a husband and wife. I do not believe either person should be subservient in any way. The concept of Biblical gender roles in marriage is about the two genders having different roles and gifts, but both having equal value. When they disagree, the result should be a respectful democracy, not a one-sided dictatorship. I believe we should be interdependent—not independent—especially as a couple, where choices, goals, and dreams are made and pursued together.

I want to serve my wife without the gender role confusion so prevalent in our cultural and even in the Church. I believe that God created us to be much more creative and flexible than the clichéd gender divisions that we all tend to either expect or despise. I am looking for a woman who has thought through those issues and is not afraid to go against the flow.

Masculine and feminine roles are not defined by or focused on housework. I will happily put up a fence, fix a pipe, or change the oil in the car, but other times I will gladly fold the laundry, change diapers, or cook dinner. My valuing traditional gender roles does not mean I am looking for someone to be my secretary or my housekeeper. I try to see gender roles, and everything else in life, as being transcendent—reflective of God, salvation, and heaven—so it would delight me to find a woman who is also not bound up in trivial issues but sees the big picture and lives according to a well-informed, deep-rooted, and Biblical worldview.

I am looking for someone who will share the overarching mentality of not arbitrarily separating jobs, and especially not keeping score over who did what, but instead, out of gratitude and love, gladly working to do everything possible to make life fun, easy, less burdensome, and more fulfilling for each other. I will be serving her in every way I can, and I know she will be doing the same, and we will both feel respected and appreciated.

Though I believe in and celebrate traditional roles, I do not ever want us to use them against each other. The differences are meant to bind together, not separate. Men may typically be focused on achievement, and women on relationships, but both can respect each other and learn to enjoy each other’s strengths without undermining or minimizing the importance of each gender’s distinct contributions. Both genders are beautiful in their own unique ways; both are lovely with all the detail God fashioned into them. And some important traits transcend gender—both should be tender and kind, and both can be strong, passionate leaders. All these traits should be sources of unity, not dissention.

I understand that a woman craves romance, needs to play an important part in God’s work in her family, the Church, and the world, and be cherished for her beauty, and I am committed to providing an environment where those needs are met and encouraged. I’m also looking for a woman who will be responsive to my needs. I will consider it an immense privilege for us both to do so.

Men and woman are equals, but they are vastly different, even down to the microscopic level. In some ways we seem like total opposites in our makeup. God has made us distinct for a very good reason: to show the difference between Him as the Groom and us as the Bride, and to reveal the beauty that results when that relationship works the way it’s designed to. I think it’s vital and freeing to not fight those differences, but to understand, embrace, value, and live them.

I do not want a marriage of androgyny or role reversal. I believe such marriages dishonor God, ignore His design, and bring disastrous results for the couple, their children, and their ministry.

We’re not meant to homogenize the genders; there are clear distinctions, and they make life beautiful. Even a quick glance at a ballroom dance shows that if men don’t lead, or if women don’t follow, the dance does not work well. But when both fulfill their role, they dance smoothly and elegantly. And, ironically, when the man leads the dance well, and the woman follows well, all eyes turn to the woman, because the man is providing a context for her to flourish and shine. That’s exactly what happens in a godly marriage.

I believe it is important to acknowledge that God has designed the genders with some similarities. Nurturing, feeling deeply, being tender, and being able to cry can and should be part of a man’s life, but they do not make him unmasculine. In the same way, a woman is not unfeminine if, under the right circumstances, she takes the lead. My goal is not to create detailed lists of gender roles, but instead to value the general, overall design God has for each gender. I understand that there will be obvious overlap and times when both genders need to step out of traditional roles for good reasons.

I am looking for someone who understands and deeply respects the differences between how God made the genders. Someone who knows about the sexual drive differences, the brain makeup differences, the emotional differences, and the other components of the complementary nature of being male and female. Someone who does not buy into philosophies that are destructive to relationships and families, such as the self-centered mentality of humanistic psychology or the extreme parts of feminism, and who would therefore never participate in male-bashing, and wouldn’t gossip or put him down for the ways he gets it wrong or the ways his masculinity or sex drive is different from hers. Someone who desires that I as a man be sensitive to and understanding of what she goes through as a woman, and who will show the same care to me in return. I believe that true masculinity strongly encourages womanhood and femininity, and true femininity strongly encourages manhood and masculinity.



I believe in becoming a best friend to and student of my wife, and am looking for someone who shares the same deep desire. I want to live in a way that if my wife were asked about my listening skills, she would say that I listen well. I want us to continually deepen our knowledge of, praise for, and appreciation of each other. I want to take time to study my wife—her dreams, desires, fears, and doubts—and then meet her where she is with love. I am looking for someone who intends to make her delight for, passion for, devotion to, and trust in her partner the central focus of her marriage relationship and of how she glorifies God as a married woman.

I understand how important it is to be a good listener. I understand that there will be times when my wife does not want me to offer solutions, but to simply listen, understand, sympathize, and show her that I care about what she's thinking and feeling. I understand that sometimes the best response is a listening ear and a hug—and nothing else.

I want us to truly understand what is going on in each other’s hearts and meet each other there. I want to do whatever it takes to communicate well verbally and non-verbally, to show love in each other’s love language, to be excellent listeners, to not go to bed angry, and to not allow harsh or hurtful jokes or sarcasm to enter our relationship. I am looking for someone who, when in a safe and secure relationship, is comfortable talking about her innermost feelings.

I try hard to be a good communicator and am committed to staying close. There will be no sense in which I will not include you in my world. I look forward to making a deep, genuine, enduring connection with my best friend for life. I love talking with and listening to people, and having deep discussions; I will enjoy that the most with my wife. A majority of human communication is non-verbal, so I believe in being loving with not just my words, but my tone, my eye contact, and the rest of my body language.

I can say what I mean and understand what I hear. I am looking for someone who deals very strongly in reality, who does not play games or make things up. I am honest and I keep my word, and look forward to being able to fully trust my wife.



I am looking for someone who is committed to being available, receptive, and responsive to her husband's attention, affection, and pursuit. In a dance, a man will sometimes take both of a woman's hands, but sometimes he doesn't have to or can't, because of the dance move. She doesn’t know what move he's going to do next, so her job is to keep her hand up and available for him, so that he can easily reach for it if the move requires it. If she senses he isn't going to take her free hand on a particular dance move, she is free to leave it there or add styling to it, but once that dance step is over, she again makes it available for him to grasp on the next step. I want that kind of marriage, where both partners continually extend a hand to the other, saying, "When you are ready, I am available and will respond to you in love." That stands true for conversation, affection, sexuality, and every other part of the work and play of a relationship.

I am hoping to create a relationship in which our love is so strong and selfless that we will not push each other toward defensiveness, but will instead create a safe haven where we can learn from each other and even be corrected by each other, especially in the areas in which we are entrusted with watching over each other's souls. I believe we both must have teachable hearts in order to grow as a couple. That implies that we both need to be open to each other, not hiding our faults or being embarrassed, but being vulnerable and honest about our weaknesses and shortcomings, always ready to forgive, and always ready to help each other and be helped.

Such a relationship requires total safety and strong communication skills, so I'm looking for a woman who truly shares these values and will help me make it safe for both of us. Charity and grace must cover everything we do, especially in areas where we are sharpening each other.

Even though, at times, one or the other of the partners might trip or stumble on a dance step, as long as they are continuing to be sensitive to each other, watching each other and seeking to respond to each other, the dance can continue and they will grow more and more used to dancing together. The unity of a well-matched couple, moving as if they are one, as if they are able to read each other's minds, is one of the most amazing things to watch. I hope my marriage can be such a testimony.



I am looking for marriage, not casual dating or just a friend. I want to be married, shower my wife with affection, make love often, fill our lives with joy and laughter, have several children, and grow old together. I am looking for someone for whom it is not an option to walk away, who believes that a covenant means exclusivity and permanence, who would value the marriage covenant as lifelong and inviolable, for whom the idea of growing indifferent to her husband is unthinkable. I will never threaten to break the covenant I make with you. I am interested in being best friends and lovers for the rest of our lives.

I want to find a woman who loves Jesus, strives for excellence in everything she does, and is devoted to loving and helping others. I’m not talking about someone looking or acting perfect, but about someone who loves the Lord and who wants to shower her husband and family with a heart bursting with joy and loveliness. I’m not looking for someone who is all these things, per se, but someone who aiming for these goals. It’s about direction, not perfection. I am looking for someone who shares my values. There is no such thing as the perfect person, but there are people who are constantly making the effort to deepen their walk with the Lord and to minister in love to those around them. That’s the kind of person I want to marry.

I am eagerly looking forward to a courtship and marriage that's exciting, fun, worshipful, glorious, and playful, where we are building trust, strengthening our friendship, enjoying times of quietness, delighting in closeness, and praising our Lord for it all and through it all. I look forward to the giddiness, cheesy moments, serious moments, affectionate moments, and just being together. I anticipate seeing each other the way God does: as people who are temporarily sinful but forgiven, and ultimately purified and glorious.

I am aiming for the stars, and hoping for even more. I don’t believe these values constitute a pie-in-the-sky ideal. I believe they should be and are the bare minimum for any Christian marriage. I strongly believe that anyone who has been in the Word for any length of time ought to be headed in all of these directions and then some.

I am looking for someone who believes that all of the love languages are critical, and who will gladly receive and reciprocate all of them on a regular basis. It’s wrong, unnecessary, and truly sad for a Christian couple not to. God’s grace and kindness are poured out on us lavishly and abundantly, and I want to give and receive no less in my marriage since His grace is overflowing in my heart.



I am looking for a woman for whom touch is a primary way she sends and receives love. Someone who would want me to play with her hair every night. Who would want to be touched in both sexual and non-sexual ways. Who is a passionate kisser and who wants to be passionately kissed. Who intends to be extremely affectionate for the rest of her life. Who strongly desires that affection, intimacy, and sexuality be frequent and abundant visitors to her marriage. Who knows she’d enjoy little touches like brushing each other’s hands when we pass by each other. Who would love for me to pull her close. Who wants to nestle her head in my neck while she’s sleeping. Who wants to be pursued and enjoyed by her lover for the rest of her life.

I wholeheartedly believe that one of the primary ways that Christians are able to worship God is through marital intimacy. And I don’t just mean sex itself; I mean the whole dynamic of being masculine and feminine, of complementing each other through the transcendent aspects of our natures and all the ways that each gender specially reflects God. I am looking for a woman who believes that her femininity is a gift from God and who wants it to be a compliment to her husband’s masculinity.

I believe that the characteristics of both masculinity and femininity are gifts from God to explain what He is like and what our relationship with Him is like. When these characteristics are expressed in relationships, they provide strength and inspiration because the relationship is working the way God designed it to, with Him as the ultimate pattern. I am looking for a woman who feels very blessed to be a woman and entrusted with these characteristics of God, and who hopes to use them to bless those around her, especially her husband.



What I find physically attractive is a woman who is strongly in touch with her femininity. I have certain characteristics in general that I’m more attracted to, and I take them seriously. I think preferences are important, and failure to take them into at least some consideration is not a good idea. But I’ve known some women who might fit a certain description on the outside but who were not feminine in their attitudes and behavior. Unfemininity makes the most beautiful woman seem less attractive to me, and vice-versa. Physical attraction is important, but the deeper foundation of spiritual and emotional attraction should be our main focus, since that is what is at the core of our hearts and that is what will last.

I’m looking for a woman who loves being a woman. Someone who is classy and noble in her spirit and her body, who has a natural grace and beauty in her appearance, and who is purposefully elegant on both the inside and outside. Someone who relishes the colors, smells, and feel of flowers and plants and will want them in her house. Someone who loves to create a beautiful home and entertain. Someone who loves romantic evenings of candlelight dinners and slow dancing in the dark.

I am looking for a woman who wants to live out femininity because it’s how God made her. Someone who wants to fulfill her God- given role and use her God-given gifts because she feels most at home doing so. Someone who believes that relationships work best when men are masculine and women are feminine. Someone who, if we have children, wants her little girls to see a great role model of what they should be, and her little boys to see what a feminine woman looks like so they know what to look for in a wife when they grow up.

I am looking for someone who has a healthy perspective of femininity. Femininity is not about being weak, dainty, prissy, fussy, high maintenance, unable to get dirty in the garden, or always needing to wear certain clothes. Femininity is about having a heart full of tenderness, elegance, womanliness, and classiness that will naturally overflow into all areas of her life.



I’m seeking a lady who is fully in touch with her body, her curves, and her sensuality, evidenced by the way she dresses—not immodestly, but attractively. Someone who dresses with a definite touch of sensuality, and not just every once in a while, but on a regular basis, even at home, just for me—especially for me. Someone who enjoys wearing not only jeans and a t-shirt, but also beautiful dresses, sensual skirts, and flattering blouses, who loves feeling and looking feminine and elegant, and who loves the thought of dabbing perfume on her wrists and her neck as an invitation to her husband.

I am looking for a woman who wants to know what clothes her husband thinks look great on her, and will sometimes wear them to impress and attract him, and who will sometimes ask him to come clothes shopping with her so he can give her an idea of the kinds of clothes he enjoys seeing her wear. I will also invite her to pick out clothes for me that she thinks look good, especially since many women have better eyes for colors and good taste in clothes. I am looking for a woman who will notice when I complement her, and will make mental notes of what is extra pleasing to me, as I will when I notice something she really likes.



Even when there are kids, or fatigue, or other things that get in the way of our enjoying a romantic evening alone, there are a million little ways, from a hand on the shoulder to a warm hug, to let the other person know that the relationship transcends daily responsibilities and struggles, and that what’s most important is our close friendship and intimacy. I want to find someone who truly wants intimacy, and will make sure, no matter what stage of life she is going through, that she will help her husband make it an absolute priority, so much so that if her husband ever seemed to not want intimacy, that she would still make every effort to make it happen anyway, and would make her desire for intimacy clear. I want to find a woman who believes that sexual union is an expression of worship to God and of love for each other, and therefore good, in every sense. I want a woman who loves to be pursued, and who will pursue me in return.

Someone who understands that for men, sexuality will sometimes be about making love, but other times will feel like it is more about the sexual release and the pleasure. That doesn’t make men bad, or sex addicts, or in need of changing, but is just part of how God made men, and is therefore something she should, as his wife, encourage and celebrate. There will be times of intensely emotional connection, and there will be other times when it is just as much about physical passion, eroticism, ecstasy, and sexual release. When eroticism is encouraged, it enables a man to better pursue the emotional connection as well, because he does not feel like his innate desire for pleasure and sexual connection is diminished, threatened, or considered a secondary pursuit.

I’m searching for a woman wants to make her husband the most blessed guy in the world, who makes heads turn when she walks in the room, who is adorable and alluring, who impresses everyone who meets her. A woman who is waiting for the very best because love, romance, intimacy, marriage, and kids matter, and in the end, little else does.

Someone who could never think to herself, “Now I’ve got him, so I don’t need to impress or win him anymore.” Someone who wants to keep bringing new treasures out of the storehouse of her heart and desires the same from me. Someone who wants to look nice for her husband when he comes home from work. Someone who will not let herself go physically, because it is unhealthy, because our body is God’s temple, and because she believes that her body belongs to her husband and his body belongs to her. I will take care of myself and make her proud.



I’m looking for someone who loves being a physical being, someone who has thought through the confusion and silliness that is prevalent in the Christian world regarding attitudes toward the body. Someone who is extremely comfortable in her own skin, and who is able to help others understand why that is such an important part of our relationship with God and others. Someone who strongly values physical touch, and who believes that it’s unhealthy for people not to touch and be touched regularly. Someone who would take it for granted that we would massage and caress each other often because we enjoy giving and receiving that kind of love. Someone who believes that people ought to get married young and have the time of their lives enjoying their sexuality with the spouse of their youth.

I'm looking for a woman who wants to fully enjoy her body the way God designed it. I believe it is healthy to live in sync with the rhythms, priorities, and balances of our natural bodies. That means understanding and living according to the way our bodies interact and respond to light, time, food, sleep, music, art, romance, sensuality, sexuality, fertility, childbirth, the care of our children, and aging. There is a reason God made us the way He did, and it is part of our stewardship to understand, live out, rejoice in, and proclaim His beautiful design for life and for eternity.

I am looking for someone who would see it as sad to not be very sexually active in her marriage. Who sees it as ridiculous for a couple to have reproductive capabilities but purposefully stifle them for the long term. Who sees it as depressing for a woman to have beautiful cycles in her body but not understand them or be able to use them for her benefit and pleasure. Who sees it as a waste for a woman to have breasts but not breastfeed her children. Who thinks that breasts are obviously designed for breastfeeding and that it’s silly to be embarrassed or prudish by not breastfeeding in front of others—especially in front of her own family. Who sees it as sad that humans are always craving the beauty God put into us but purposefully taking steps to move away from and hide it. Who loves being physical, being a woman, being human, being a sexual creature, and someday being a mother.

I’m looking for someone who truly wants to honor the desires God gave her and her husband, and would never consider it an option to turn him away or use sexuality as a game or a tool to manipulate him, but would truly want him, would want to be wanted by him, and would show it often.

I am searching for a woman who might think and say, “Your sexuality is an awesome thing, and you had to protect it and care about it for years and years, and now I want you to give it to me, fully. I will take good care of your sexual desires to the point that you really don’t have to worry about them being fulfilled, or about being distracted. I will aim to protect, exalt, fulfill your sexuality more than you could possibly have imagined if it were still in your charge. It’s in my charge now, and I will love you completely.”

I realize that there will still inevitably be times when these kinds of good intentions will face many distractions, and when that happens, I will see that as a part of God’s plan to teach us patience, but I am looking for a woman who will fight hard to remain emotionally and physically close, and who will do everything to restore that closeness when issues come up that temporarily put intimacy on hold.

I’m looking for a woman will see her sexuality and her husband’s sexuality as very good gifts from God. Someone who will focus on what is beautiful and glorious about her body and his, and who would have that positive attitude even during courtship, so that while she pursues purity, she does not act or talk as if sexuality isn’t an important or awesome part of life. Womanhood, manhood, courtship, marriage, sexuality, and parenthood, are supposed to be fun—serious and pure, but fun—and something to look forward to with gladness and rejoicing. I have made the commitment to not have sex outside of marriage, and will not be trying to have sex with you—you are a daughter of God and His masterpiece, and are worth keeping pure. I am looking for someone who shares that value, who sees sex as nothing less than beautiful and wonderful in the context of a covenant.

Christians should be having the most intimate marriages on the planet, but from what I’ve read and been told by my married friends, the opposite is usually happening. That’s sad, needless, and a bad testimony. Sexuality is the best picture God’s given us of what total unity with Him will be like, so sex is perhaps the most meaningful act of worship we can ever partake in and the deepest, most heartfelt prayer of gratitude that we can offer to God. He delights to give His children gifts that will draw them to each other and to Him.

I believe that through our basic physical desires, God is saying in the most obvious ways, “Get married, dive in, abandon yourself to the beauty of sexuality, enjoy each other fully and often, and do it all like little children playing with their toys on Christmas morning, able to both get totally overwhelmed at the gift, and yet able to get up in gratitude and run to their parents and say ‘Thank you,’ and then run back to the gift and play some more.” Sex is no idol; it is normal life. Without a Christian worldview and a spirit of gratitude, it would degrade into an idol, but with gratitude, it’s nothing less than altogether good.

I am looking for someone who delights in the desires God gave her for all the beautiful kinds of intimacy she desires, and who wants to invite her husband to help meet her needs—emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual—and to do the same for him, and then to praise God together for the wonder of that blessing. I am looking for someone who wants to keep sex in marriage, meaning none before the covenant is made, but lots of it once we are in that covenant. I am looking for someone who intends to dive in to sexuality, without inhibition, and who will receive my advances and will pursue and invite me as well, through her words, her actions, her playfulness, her flirting, the way she dresses, and her body language.

Mature Christians who get married should be able to jump headfirst into sexuality and be the most sexually active, unrepressed people in the world, people who love to undress and be undressed, to be caressed and to make love. If Christians are the kind of people who will sing praises and raise their hands to the Lord, they should also be the kind to want a marriage where both spouses’ hands and mouths are all over each other, too. Those who love God love others, starting with loving their spouses. Those who understand that God made the body must program their worldviews to interpret the body and its desires as wholly good, and therefore worth pursuing as a way to praise and honor God. God is pleased when we take delight in His good gifts. God loves to see His creation enjoying what He has made and giving Him praise for it.



If I were married, I would want be affectionate every day for the rest of our lives. I’m looking for someone with a similar sex drive—not someone who would accept mine, but who, herself, actually wants closeness on all levels as much as possible. Someone who would see any day without that emotional and physical closeness as a somewhat lost or empty day, and would therefore find a way to be romantic and close, even at times when sexual intimacy isn’t possible. I’m looking for someone who believes that sensuality and eroticism are beautiful gifts from God to be fully enjoyed in the context of marriage. I’m looking for someone who could never imagine herself considering sex a chore, something to be endured for the sake of her husband, but someone who truly wants to give herself, someone who wants to enjoy and be enjoyed. Someone who sees nurturing sensual pleasure in her marriage as one of the primary privileges of life, and a way for a husband and wife to equip each other to better worship the Lord and serve others.

I am the kind of person who will both pursue you and want to be pursued, in emotional and physical ways. I look forward to times when we feel like it is just you and me, and nothing or no one else matters. I look forward to occasions when we’re on a date and we get lost in each other's eyes and hearts. When time seems to stands still, and yet at the same time goes by too quickly and always leaves us wishing we had more time to enjoy each other. Despite how much I long for heaven and glory, I know that on this side of heaven, I will wish I could stop time and just create our own little eternity as a couple. I enjoy imagining the many ways we’ll connect as we live out spontaneous, everyday moments sprinkled with romance and affection.

I think sex is the best symbol God gave us to help us understand what the intimacy and pleasure from being in relationship with Him is like—and certainly what it will be like in eternity—so I would want sex to be a regular part of our relationship. I believe that pursuing sensuality and eroticism in marriage is one of the most important paths to understanding God and delighting in our intimacy with Him. I am looking for someone who can and wants to give herself completely to her partner, who understands that in marriage, each person’s body belongs to the other, and delights in that possessive nature of marriage. Someone who will treat her mate all through life with the same tenderness and appreciation as she did on her wedding day and honeymoon.

All of that is a general dream and value, but I am aware that the responsibilities of life will sometimes keep that from happening. The way we glamorize marriage is not helpful to us singles. I am aware that babies don’t always adhere to schedules and new parents are often tired. I know that school, sports, choir, friends, Church obligations, and family will sometimes make it hard to be close. I realize that there will be early mornings and late nights, and that marriage and parenthood are lots of work. If on a given day we are too exhausted or busy to be close, I have no doubt that we will respect each other and put our desires on hold and focus on meeting our other needs, such as caring for our kids and resting. But I still think it is important and possible to prioritize affection and intimacy, and I’m looking for someone who intends to aim her marriage in that direction as much as possible.



I’m looking for someone who wants to reach out to the poor and help those in need. Part of the reason for marriage is to be and do more for His kingdom together than we could be and do separately. Following God's will includes being willing to go wherever He sends us. I am looking for a wife who will, together with me, be passionate about reaching out to people from other countries and cultures.

I want to live each day with God's calling for my life constantly in mind. I long to chase that vision with a woman who is passionate about sharing the Gospel and ministering to the nations. A great deal of the things that excite my heart and stir my dreams ultimately trace back to this passion and testimony. My heart's focus is not “How much am I required to give?” but “How much can I give?”

I'm looking for someone who aspires to go to third-world nations at least part-time, possibly full-time, and serve those less fortunate and those without the Gospel. Someone who realizes that there’s more to life than a retirement fund and a nice house (though I have a retirement fund, and want a nice house, too). Someone who believes that serving God by serving other people and sharing the message of salvation through Christ is our primary calling, to which we must be faithful.

I’m looking for a woman who has a heart of gold, who loves God with all her heart, who wants to do missions work, who desires to serve the poor and needy, and who is glad to give her life away for the sake of others, especially with a life partner. I want to be known as a hospitable couple that reaches out to the poor, neglected, downtrodden, and oppressed. I want to enrich others' lives with the myriad blessings God has poured out on us.

I’m passionate about fighting injustice and oppression, and I long to find ways to fight what God hates. Bringing justice and mercy to the world by caring for the unloved and unwanted is the primary way that God brings glory to Himself, so that is the goal of my life. It pains me to see people whose souls have become empty, and I long to share with them the reason for my hope. I grieve over those who do not know the Lord and I long to share Christ with them by my words and actions.

Whether in the United States or in another country, we are living examples of Christ and His grace to everyone with whom we come in contact. I am committed to living a life where others can see true joy in our lives, such that when they look at us, they sense that we have something different, and when they look close enough, they’ll see God’s grace. I long to be a vessel of love and service, and I’m looking for someone who’s headed in the same direction.

I would love to go on missions trips and outreaches right here at home. There is no shortage of ways to get involved, and I am sure that wherever we live, we can find people in need to whom we can minister in some way.

I’m looking for someone who believes that eternity is more important than time, who wants to lay up treasures in heaven, and who wants to please God more than she wants to please people. I intend to give my life away for the Lord, including my possessions. I work hard so that I can give more away. I want us to be good stewards of our time and money, and demonstrate very giving, sacrificial hearts. I am looking for a woman who is not focused on a fancy house or a nice car, even though those are fine in and of themselves, and I would love them, too. But what matters most in someone else is their character, values, and service, so I am looking for a woman who wants to seize the day and make her life count for something eternal.

I would want our home to be available, at least sometimes, to receive missionaries coming through on their home visits. I would people to know that our home is open, that we are hospitable, and that we want to wash their feet because of Christ’s love. I want us to be very generous stewards of the Lord’s possessions.

I am looking for a woman who, in the future, would be open to adoption. I believe that we must be willing to radically change our lives to minister to those in need. Thousands of children would be turned out on the streets and forced into orphanages if it weren't for adoption. It breaks my heart to think about the life they are forced to endure. I am looking for a woman for whom it would be a privilege and a natural extension of her love for the Lord to adopt and love a child that needs us.



I’m looking for a woman who agrees on a worldview level with the concept that everything we have, including our bodies, time, and money, belongs to the Lord, and that we’re therefore stewards of the Lord’s wealth. It’s all His. I believe in giving cheerfully and liberally, not by a percentage. I feel a strong desire to give more and more away to those in need.

I believe in working hard, keeping my bills to a minimum, being reasonably frugal without being tight, and saving for the future, including leaving money behind for my children. I believe in giving away as much as possible, sparing no expense for health issues, giving to those who do ministry on our behalf, and lavishing gifts on others.

I believe in doing finances together. I believe major purchases should be agreed on together. I believe finances should be combined. I do not believe in pre-nuptial agreements. I believe that a house is a worthwhile investment. I believe that any money we spend on romance, intimacy, and fun as a married couple is worth every penny.



I am looking for a woman who can adapt and change together with me. Life will throw us curveballs, and changing obligations will redirect us. I am willing to face them without getting upset or worried. I trust God and will look favorably to what He has in store for us.

I love learning and trying new things, and am looking for a woman who is willing to do the same. Someone who does not want to restrict herself to something simply because that's the way she's always done it. Life is an adventure, and I want someone who will take the adventure with me, and with a smile.

I am looking for someone who can allow room for the unexpected without letting that affect how she loves and cares for me and our family. I have no idea what life has in store, but I choose to live and delight in the surprises of God. True happiness can only be found when we surrender our lives to His purpose and will, and I am willing to go wherever God may lead us.

Part of the adventure of a relationship and a marriage is two people stimulating and challenging each other's thinking. I trust we will grant each other grace in the process because the path to maturity is sometimes hard and long. I am excited to have a lifetime to get to know you and for us to become increasingly unified and complementary.



I am looking for a woman who wants to have children. I hope to have a big family if it is the Lord’s will. I am eager for the seasons of life when we are blessed with the privilege and responsibility of shaping children into the people God intended them to be.

My most precious dream is to become the husband of a woman whose most precious dream is to be a wife and mother. All my dreams and passions would come together beautifully if the Lord were to grant me such a wife and such a marriage.

I’m looking for someone who wants to have a home full of the laughter of children, who thinks that being a wife and mother would be the most fulfilling way to pursue the next stage of her life, and who wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m looking for a woman who wants more than anything else to be a wife and mother.

I believe God has wired women to be wives and mothers, so I am looking for a woman who has pursued growing in character qualities and skills that will help her thrive in both, who looks forward to being a supportive wife and nurturing mother if that is a door God opens for her.

I would like to find a woman who wants to stay at home with her children while they are young and bring them up in a Christ- centered family. A woman who is capable of homeschooling children, at least while they are young, and wants to do that together with her husband.

I am looking for a woman who understands that the best years for a woman to bear children are when she is young, since those years provide the healthiest conditions for her body and for the baby’s. I want to live in harmony with how God designed our bodies to work; I do not want to try to be an exception to the biological realities that God has set up. It is in neither the woman’s nor the baby’s best interest. It makes no sense for men and women to not be pursuing marriage and children by their early twenties, just as God designed them to. Society may tell us different, but they are wrong; our bodies are very clear about what’s best for us.

I strongly believe in understanding and pursuing God’s design, no matter what the application. I believe we should listen to what our bodies tell us, which is to get married young, dive into sexuality, and have babies young. For a woman, purposefully putting off having children is bucking her own body. We are meant to be comfortable in our own skin and at peace with the ways God designed us, including sexuality and reproduction.

Having children at a young age is not an absolute necessity to me; what is a necessity is for us to respect how God made our bodies and to pursue what is healthiest for them. That includes everything from sleep cycles to nutrition to fertility to breastfeeding. I acknowledge how God designed us and choose to live in light of that.

I am looking for a woman who has also thought through these very basic aspects of life and has come to similar convictions. I am looking for a wife who, when she learns something new about how God designed the body, will do whatever she can to live that out because it’s always right to listen to and live according to God’s design.

I am looking for a woman who would teach these core values to her children. I look forward to raising our kids to be mature enough and as prepared as possible to take relationships seriously from a young age, to highly esteem marriage and sexuality, to be open to marriage at a young age if the Lord wills that for them, and to pursue reproduction in their young twenties. I realize that it may not happen that way for any of our children as they enter adulthood, but as their parents, we should still explain God’s design to them and encourage them to pursue it.



I am looking for a woman who would not only love her home and children, and see that as her core place of influence, but who would also reach out to those around her. That would include numerous outside relationships, whether with younger girls from church that she might disciple or with people at work if she chooses to be out in the workplace. Someone who believes that the Lord has created her to love and connect with others, starting at home but branching out into her community. Someone who considers raising kids and discipling them as one of the greatest and most important responsibilities, but who does not feel like she is limited in her capacity or perspective to just the home.

I believe that we need to be out in this world so that we can love people and share the Gospel with them. Whether it's using the gift of hospitality to open our home to strangers, or having people over to our home to disciple, or inviting missionaries stay with us when they are in town, so long as the activities aren't too much of a strain on our marriage and family, I would want us to continually reach out to the world around us.

I am looking for someone who will reach out like that but will still see her children as a top priority, who views motherhood as a very high calling. Someone for whom it would not be even a remote option to trade staying with her young children at home for working anywhere else. Who could not imagine leaving her still-breastfeeding baby with someone else all day.

I’m looking for a woman who desires that her husband be the main provider during the years when we have small children in our home. Someone who does not think that a cubicle wall sounds more appealing than taking care of a baby. I intend to do my very best to provide as much as possible for my family.

Having said that, I do believe that God gives women wonderful abilities that extend beyond the walls of her home and Church. I think that if a wife can pursue her dreams and still prioritize her marriage, family, and service to the Lord, then I see no reason that a career should be discounted. My goal is not to say everyone should live a specific way, but to simply ask that we acknowledge that children do best when their mothers are the primary caretakers when they are little. This idea should be understood, exalted, and practiced as much as possible.

I am interested in a situation in which, when my wife and I have small children, she is primarily home with them. I don’t mean that in a repressive sense. I love the idea of my making dinner, helping clean the kids, and keeping the kids separate from mom for a few hours every couple nights so that she has time to take long baths, go out with friends, and cultivate her relationship with the Lord. But I’m looking for someone who wants to sit down to dinner together every night.

I am looking for someone whose first desire is to honor God, but whose greatest longing after that is to be a wife and a mother. Someone who believes that her marriage should be and will be the most fruitful area of her life for His Kingdom. Someone who dreams about her relationship with her husband being a strong display of Christ’s love, so that others will be drawn to Him.

I know that for some women, staying at home while the children are young looks like an outdated way of life, but I believe it is the right choice. Couples can also be creative in how a mother can be involved in other activities. The Proverbs 31 woman had her own businesses. Focusing on and prioritizing the home does not mean being restricted to it, for either of us.

I am the kind of man who will be very involved in raising our children and in making your life easier as my wife and their mother. I will spend time with the children every day, and will work to help you carve out time for yourself, both in the home and outside, so that you can get together with friends, take classes, pursue a hobby, and do whatever else God leads you to do so that life is healthy and balanced.

I will be glad when the time arrives when God blesses us with children and I am able to help you care for them. I look forward to our baby girl falling asleep on my chest, her head cradled in my neck. I look forward to raising our kids together. People have told me for years that I will make a great dad, and I am confident that I will. And I am confident that you will make a wonderful mom. Someday . . .



I am looking for a woman who wants to train her children to love the Lord and to be His vessels in the world. Someone who wants her family to be a refuge for those who are broken and hurting and in need of Christ. Someone who wants to partner together with her husband in teaching their children how to minister to others from such a young age that it becomes a natural lifestyle for them.

I want to raise our children to follow the Lord's leading for their lives, no matter what direction that takes them. We belong to Christ, including our passions, dreams, and futures. I want to raise our children to listen carefully for God’s will, and to do it, no matter where it takes them. It would delight my heart if they were to feel called into full-time ministry and missions.

Having said that, I want to add that I would never want to tell my kids that they have to be in full-time ministry or in full-time missions work in order to be pleasing to God or to us. God calls some people overseas, and others He asks to stay right here. He calls some people to official full-time ministries but others to full-time ministry in a regular job, shining His light through our everyday lifestyles and conversations. God can use our talents and abilities for His glory through any job and in any country. God asks us to take our skills and sanctify them for His use, and our kids need to feel the freedom and joy of knowing that they can use their gifts however they feel led by God to do so, and that we are proud of them for doing so, whether they are official missionaries overseas or unofficial missionaries in a city office job surrounded by unbelievers. We are called to shine our light wherever we are, and I will not be more proud of our children for pursuing one career path over another—we need only care that they are walking in truth and living for God's glory.



I think one of the nicest pictures I have in my head and heart is the idea of my children’s mother seeing me being the man that I should be. I am resolved to be the kind of dad who is thoroughly involved, who reads to his kids at night, who makes it a priority to pray together and to tell and show my wife and our kids that you are all dearly loved. I will be the kind of husband who does the laundry and dishes so you can take some time to yourself, the man you consider your absolute best friend, who surprises you with a bathroom full of candles and runs a bubble bath for you and then either gives you time to yourself, or, if you prefer company, sits and talks with you while you relax in the tub. I will gladly run out late at night because you crave a certain food. I want you to know that I will go to the ends of the earth and back just to see you smile.

I have the picture in my head of sensing and seeing my wife look at me with admiration, knowing that she feels safe and secure. I look forward to showing her that even when there are disagreements or upsets in life, that she has a man of good will, a man who truly loves and adores her, someone who wants to be a great friend, lover, provider, and father, and someone who will remain that way forever. I want her to be proud of me. For a man to know that his woman admires him that way makes him feel like life is right and good, and that his efforts truly matter.

I will make every effort to protect my wife—her time, heart, energy, relationship with God, and ability to focus on romance and love—so that our kids can be an addition to all those good things, but not destroyers. I would put a lock on our bedroom door and tell them that they may not play in there—they can come in, but it is “mommy and daddy’s room,” and has to be treated differently from the rest of the house. I would get babysitters for date nights when possible, so that we could have some time to just enjoy each other’s company. My wife and I are the top priority; we will have created our home before the kids came, and we will be there when they are gone. The primary focus should keep coming back to us; our closeness is the most important thing in the long run.

I believe in rearranging our worlds around each other. If my schedule makes my wife feel like she's not number one, then I will change it, and I am sure she will be willing to do the same. I know that working this out will require time, respect, and good listening, and I am willing to make those investments to understand and prioritize my wife and make her feel like she is the most important person in my world.

I look forward with all my heart to these kinds of blessings. I am eager to find that woman who will be truly dedicated to me, my heart, my needs, and my desires, and will allow me to be dedicated to hers as well.



I want to honor the Lord with our family by making our home the central place where we worship Him. First, in marriage, and then with children, I would strive to make our home the absolute top priority, for God’s glory.

On a daily basis, I would want our family to pray together, starting with when it’s just the two of us. I would want us to spend time each night holding hands and presenting our hearts to the Father as one. I want to have a strong spiritual life together, where we make reading and praying together a priority. I want to worship the Lord together as a couple and a family.

Family should focus around marriage, not around the kids. The best thing we can do for our kids is to have a strong marriage relationship. So, I want to be affectionate in front of them, taking your hand and inviting you to dance, lightly caressing your hand as we sit with the kids at the table after dinner, or stroking your hair as we watch a movie together as a family.

I would love to have our kids see us working on projects together. If you’re hanging up laundry outside, I would want to come help you. If you see me cutting the grass outside, you could bring me a glass of lemonade. I will tell you how much I appreciate the little ways you reach into my heart, so that when the kids are looking, they will know how men and women are supposed to support and care for each other.

I want both of us and our kids to know that our relationship is special, romantic, and secure. Those are the things that will make my heart skip a beat in pride as we’re at a party, and I see you across the room, having many people admire you, your beauty, your skill, your charm, and I think to myself, “Yeah, but I’m the one she loves.”

I want romance and love to overflow from us so much that our children know we are a committed couple and deeply in love. I want them to see us laughing together, holding hands, and sitting close. I want them to see us as two playful kids together. I want to teach them to respect certain times when they need to play quietly because “mom and dad need some time for each other.” I want them to know that we are together for life.



Because time together as a couple and family is so vital, I believe it’s important to not get extended by doing too much away from home. Apart from special weeks like missions conference weeks, or when family is visiting from out of town, I would like to try to keep extra things during the week to a minimum. If life were to stay overly busy for too long, I would wonder how possible it would be to stay as close to each other as we should. I want us both to guard our time, and if either of us were to sense that the other was feeling like second fiddle, then I’d want to communicate about that and change whatever we needed to so that our relationship has the context and tools to stay strong and for us to both feel that our needs are being heard and met.

I would want to create at least one night each week that’s just for us. Whatever it might look like, I’d want to put that above anything else that tried to come into our schedule. I would not ever regret spending too much time with you, and in this busy world, it would be wise to protect that right from the start. Time spent nurturing “us” is my top priority and my joy.

I’d want the two of us to spend time daily being close physically, even if that just means cuddling and pillow talk. If planning time for that every night does not seem feasible, I’d want to adjust life to make it happen, including time for being intimate, giving massages, giving you a bubble bath, or just staring at your beauty and relishing the thought that you’ve given your heart to me. I want to dance together with you by candlelight on a regular basis. I want both of us to shed any excess commitments that get in the way of our ability to live life together in these ways. Whether it means creating boundaries with in-laws, Church commitments, or anything else, I am willing to create them because our marriage comes first.

When life gets busy, I will schedule time for just us. At least one night a week will be ours, as a date night. And I’d love for us to plan at least one Saturday a month to get away for the day or weekend. During weeks that are busy, I still intend to remind you of my love in lots of little ways, so that whether we’re on the go or on vacation, our days will feel like they are woven together with an unbroken string of romantic, caring expressions.

I would also like to continue with you the habit I have of taking one Saturday each month and blocking it out entirely (or nearly entirely) to be spent with the Lord. I like to literally cut off all other contacts and go to a park for most of the day to read the Bible, pray, and sing songs, just me with the Lord. I also use the time to work on memorizing Scripture and to read essays that encourage me in my walk with the Lord. I’d love to begin to do that with you in courtship and marriage. I’ve never regretted doing it, and I’ve often regretted not doing it enough. I look forward to prioritizing that together with you.



I would like to homeschool our kids while they are young unless we feel there is a very good alternative. Homeschooling allows parents to be directly involved in their children's education and to be the main influences in their lives. It gives parents the opportunity to direct our kids toward a personal relationship with Christ and toward godly character. Academics are important, but homeschooling would allow us to see where their hearts are in a way that sending them off to school wouldn’t.

I'm aware that for some families, homeschooling is not a good choice, or is good for only a few years. I know it’s important for kids to be able to be in choir, band, sports, and theater if they want to. Most homeschoolers are still able to get involved with activities like this at local schools, but I understand that for some kids, it's not the same as being there as a regular student. I was homeschooled for a few years but also attended a regular school, so I recognize that it can be a good environment where kids learn socialization skills and strong academics. The more important concern on my heart is that our children receive a Biblical, balanced, academically strong Christian education.

I want to be actively involved in our kids' lives, and if that ends up looking more like a regular school instead of homeschooling, I'm willing to come to that decision together. I see raising children as a high calling, and home as the main place where discipleship takes place. The first ministry calling is there, in our home, to each other and to our children. Whether we homeschool our kids or not, I want to spend time with them every day reading the Bible, talking about the Lord and about life in general, praying together, playing together, and keeping our relationships close.

I want our children to know that every day we will spend a core time with each other to strengthen our family and to refocus on the Lord. For example, when I was growing up, my parents, siblings, and I used to have a Bible reading time, and then afterward we kids acted out a Bible story and everyone else had to guess which one it was. Many nights we came around my parents’ bed and prayed together, and I intend to continue that tradition. I would love to read a story to our kids before bedtime as well, because I believe it’s important to foster a strong imagination.

I want to spend time with our kids together as a couple. I want them to see a man and a woman together, tenderly and lovingly doing life together. I want them to see masculinity and femininity lived out beautifully, so that they know about being ladies and gentlemen. I want them to see our love for each other and for the Lord shining through.

I want to make our home a place of joy and laughter, where smiles abound. I want to have family nights often, where we play sports and games, read, and cook dinner or make dessert together. I want to be so close to our kids that the love we have for the Lord and each other spills out into their hearts, so that they not only have our physical DNA, but our spiritual imprint as well. I want our marriage and our home to be attractive to others, so that when a young person looked closely at our lives, he or she would think, "I want a marriage and family like that someday!"



I want to raise our children with a strong emphasis on the goodness of the body. It is healthy and right to encourage them for being curious about their bodies, and to explain their bodies using real terminology, not made up words. I want to raise our children to be completely comfortable seeing appropriate nudity, in real life or in artwork. I want them to grow up understanding sexuality at the appropriate age and level, and I would want them to be fully convinced that it is a wonderful gift, not something to be labeled as a manifestation of their sin nature, but something to be deeply admired before marriage and thoroughly enjoyed within one. I would want them to see their bodies as the most beautiful part of God’s creation, worth keeping pure not just to avoid shame, but to testify that they are God’s precious, living, royal art.



I believe that married Christians are fully equipped by God to deeply value each other and to find a way to work through disagreements in a godly, caring way. I believe that in times of disagreement, it's important to communicate and not play the silent game or make things worse by shaming or ostracizing each other. I believe in talking things out and not yelling. We all tend to act on our initial emotions, but if we can get past them, sit down together, pray together, maintain loving physical contact, and discuss the situation in a mature manner, we will easily and calmly work through our concerns, create unity, and communicate love.

I believe that when we need to discipline our kids, we should make sure that grace abounds. I am looking for someone with the ability to communicate freely and without judgment, both in her relationship to me and to our children. Christ has given us grace, and we need to give the same to those around us. Sometimes people are tougher and stricter on the people they love; but I believe that grace needs to shine extra brightly in our families. That light drives away the darkness. I believe in having well-behaved children, but I also believe that the best motivation for their good behavior is gratitude to us, followed by a fear of disappointing us, yet couched in the knowledge that we will always love them, no matter what.

I do not want there to be yelling in my home, ever. I do not see a reason for it and I think it harms everyone. Yelling says, “I don’t feel respected enough when I’m talking normally, so maybe I’ll get your attention this way.” It’s an expression of woundedness. If either of us is wounded, or if the kids are wounding us, I want to talk it through, not yell at each other or at them. I don’t mean we should have a democracy toward the kids: they do have to obey; but I mean that the way to change a heart is not by a loud voice, but by reason and by explaining appropriate relational boundaries.

Out-of-control words and actions undermine our messages of love. Parents have to stay self-controlled and calm when disciplining their kids, or the discipline will get confused with the parents’ anger. It won’t be as clear to the children if they’re being disciplined because they’re doing bad things or because their parents were in a bad mood. I never want that to be the case in our home.

Family should be a refuge, a home that everyone knows is safe and secure, where our children feel protected from the world. From an early age, when the kids test the waters, I will not allow them to be disrespectful toward us as parents, especially not toward you as their mother, or toward their siblings. I will protect you by making it clear to our kids that they must obey you. If their behavior warrants it, I will tell them in no uncertain terms, “You will never disrespect, disobey, or backtalk to your mother.” I want to create an atmosphere that pushes bad habits and bad attitudes out the door when they are small children, so that as they grow up, they feel a natural draw toward kindness and respect.



Because I want to honor our parents, I believe that putting them in nursing homes is wrong, apart from situations where it’s situationally and medically unavoidable. If our parents become incapacitated, it is part of our duty to take care of them as long as possible, directly, if we are able. If they couldn’t take care of themselves, I would want to invite them to come into our home, or to help them in any way possible, so that they could live out their years in dignity. The elderly should not live in a smelly, unfamiliar nursing home, but in a busy home filled with the smells of home-cooked meals and the sounds of love and laughter. I want my entire family to think, “This home is secure; if I grew up in it, or was a grandparent, or at all related to it, I will always be loved and welcomed.”

I realize that there is balance. This idea sounds nice, and we Christians do long to honor our parents and take care of them. But I understand that research and experience shows that one of the most destructive things to families is taking care of aging parents when appropriate boundaries aren’t created. Families fall apart and conflicts arise in situations like this. Since the presence of our aging parents in our home could start causing problems and conflicts, I would want to plan this well in advance—meaning ten or twenty years in advance—so that we could come up with creative solutions and plan ways to get help so that we could protect and shelter our marriage and home from harm as we tried to serve our families. Our marriage must always, always, always come first.

I want our children to understand that the core values of honoring parents and highly esteeming the elderly are part of our spiritual responsibility. Caring for those in need, especially those who have once cared for us, links the generations and preserves human dignity.



I look forward to decorating our home in a way that makes it look in appearance like it truly is: a warm, inviting refuge. It would be nice to create an actual hearth, or at least a fireplace, if possible. I would like to make our home feel a little bit like Thanksgiving dinner every day of the year. I hope to make homemade bread and cookies often, so that we can share them with friends and neighbors. I want the place we live to be not just a house, but a real home.

I think it’s important to raise our children to love being home but to be independent at the appropriate age. Kids should know that we expect them to move out when they are old enough to go to college, depending on the circumstances, while also knowing that they are always welcome to visit. They will know that they can count on our support and involvement in their lives.



I am looking for someone who will prioritize attending Church on a regular basis. I want to raise kids to think of that time as a high point of each week. Worshipping as a body of believers and hearing the teaching of the Word are among the most important privileges and blessings we have, and I would want our kids to grow up understanding that our family schedule in many ways revolves around Church. It will be a privilege to instill that concept into their hearts through our testimony.

I am looking for a woman who wholly believes in participating in a larger community of believers. I want to be actively involved in a family of faith. I would want us to decide together on a Church where we both feel comfortable, and to get involved there. If circumstances were right, I hope to be able to help with ministries, so long as they don’t infringe on our closeness as a couple or family. I look forward to doing some of those ministries together with you.

I am looking for a woman who wants to reach out to the community in service and friendship. I look forward to meeting others’ needs by having an open, receptive home, where people can come and find rest.

I am passionate about being a steadfast friend. I am excited about inviting old friends, new friends, and strangers over to dinner. I love being around other people and having them visit. I want our kids to learn generosity by our example, whether it’s in the time we give, the money we share, or the table we spread. I want them to see that we gladly give to and serve those whom God brings across our path. When the new neighbors move in, I look forward to helping them unload and giving them a freshly-baked loaf of homemade bread and a welcome gift. I want to build and maintain a community of close friends.



I am looking for someone who is committed to all those things because of her commitment to the Lord. I am looking for someone of noble character, someone who is overflowing with a heart of care. I think that what makes couples successful is being selfless toward the other person. I don’t think people can do that without Christ, but even with Christ, people can still choose to be selfish. Whether it comes to words, affection, or any other part of our relationship, I am looking for someone who is extremely concerned with and committed to her husband’s needs, concerns, and desires, and is looking for the same care from him.

I strongly believe in the need to be better each day, to work harder, to make the other person believe that “if you were to ever consider leaving, you know you’d never get anything as good as what you have with me.” And that dynamic can’t happen if people approach the relationship with the mentality that bad habits or lack of affection are okay. I intend to put my all and my best into our friendship, and I’m looking for a woman who intends to do the same.



In other words, I'm praying to find a woman of God with whom I can build a true friendship that will lead us into deep trust, result in intimacy and affection, and strengthen our commitment to one another. I want a relationship in which both of us feel valued and safe, where our joy is never squelched, and where we are welcome to express who we really are. No matter who we are, we deserve to be treated with honor, gentleness, and compassion. I'm looking for someone who can and will communicate. Someone whom I can trust and who will stay.

I’m looking for someone focused on Christ and committed to integrating her relationship with Him to her worldview and lifestyle, including worship, femininity, sensuality, marriage, the body, sexuality, kids, and her home. I am looking for someone who sees the beauty in life, in nature, and in other people.

I am looking for a woman who has a sense of adventure, who knows how precious each day and each relationship is, and lives her life to the fullest for God's glory. I desire a marriage and family life that is intimate, affectionate, peaceful, and joyful.

I would like to find someone with a deep, growing relationship with the Lord. I would like a relationship where we encourage each other to grow spiritually. I am looking for someone who shines the light of Christ and spreads joy to those around her.

I am looking for a woman who has a kind heart that looks for the best in people. A woman who has a truly tender spirit and a very friendly nature. A woman who will honor and love me with everything she has, just as I will her. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will run alongside me and cherish me forever, and will delight to have me do the same for her.

I want to get married because I believe God created us to be in an intimate love relationship and because marriage is vital to our humanness to enjoy God’s greatest gifts. I want to get married to enjoy the beauty of having and raising children. I want to get married because I want to hold someone and be held for the rest of my life. I want a best friend and lover. I want to show my wife that she can surrender her heart completely to me and find it safe; I want to find the same trustworthiness in her.

I dream of our giving each other all of our cares, and having each other say, in essence, “Whatever you need, whatever the cry of your heart, I gladly see as my privilege. I will try my utmost to take better care of your needs and desires than you could for yourself and better than you could have ever imagined. Creating safety and delight for you is how I most glorify God.” I look forward to a union of two people of good will, where our tender emotions and beautiful desires are welcomed and never scorned.

I believe in marriage and am looking for nothing less. I am looking for someone who loves Jesus, who will be committed to her marriage, home, and family, who is passionate, loyal, and a good communicator, able to share her deepest thoughts and desires with me. I would not consider someone who is rude, petty, shallow, materialistic, unfaithful, or mean-spirited. I am looking for someone who is precious, sweet, and delightful, charming beyond compare. I am looking forward to the wonderful woman who will be the light and delight of my life, reminding me that God, the ultimate light and delight of our lives, is the kind of God who longs to give His children good gifts.



I look forward to getting to know each other slowly during our courtship, like the opening of a rosebud. I dream of spending time together, from shopping to cooking together to weekends in the park. I can’t wait to meet my best friend.

I value purposefully simplifying life. I don't want to merely talk about taking time to stop and smell the roses; I already do and will continue to actually stop and smell them, and I want to do no less with you. I believe in intentionally living at a slow pace. I want to plan times to just enjoy sunsets and take walks. I will cherish those special times when our trust and friendship grows deeper and deeper. Serious moments. Times of quietness. Times of vulnerability. Times of closeness. Times of affection. I'm looking for someone who sees all of that as a priority, who wants to keep taking our relationship back to square one: faithful, loving couplehood through Christ’s power.

I am looking for someone who will prioritize our relationship once it is at the level of courtship. I am the kind of person who prioritizes those I care for, and will give you the best of my time, attention, and effort, and could not dream of doing less. I'm looking for someone who will do the same.

If the Lord brings such a woman and I together, then before the wedding, I would like to find at least one older, godly couple to mentor us, a couple who have demonstrated that they have a growing, healthy marriage, who are warm, genuine, affectionate, and committed to living out their marriages for the Lord. I would like to develop a friendship with them so they can get to know us well, see areas where we need counsel, give us solid information, model various aspects in their own lives of what they want to impart to us, challenge us to move to higher levels of growth, direct us to helpful resources, encourage and inspire us, lessen our anxiety by normalizing our experiences, help us set goals, be our accountability partners, and help us review how we’re doing along the way, both before and after the wedding.

I believe that pursuing these dreams creates a strong venue for marriage to be a beautiful masterpiece. I intend to pass down to my children a heritage of faith and love, through years of teaching them to love Jesus and living that out in our marriage and family life.

One of the most beautiful pictures I delight in is, after having lived this way for years, to be able to see my wife into eternity. We as Christians are always aware of our true home, heaven, and of our true love, Christ, who awaits us. You and I will, no doubt, often remind each other that we will not get to taste the truest beauty that we crave until we have crossed over. But what a blessing and privilege it would be to perform that one last duty of love, to tend and care for my wife as she is passing directly into the Lord's hands. To transition from being lovers to releasing her to her true lover, the Lord, and to step back into the primary role of being her best earthly friend and her brother in Christ. To hold her hand, to rock her to sleep, and to do anything to ease her pain, as she slips from this life. And to rejoice afterward that she is now at total peace in the arms of our dear Savior, knowing that I will see her again someday, and will rejoice together with her at the throne of glory. I am fully prepared to face my own death, and because of that, I am prepared to help my best friend face hers with tranquility and grace. I do not look forward to losing her to death, but I will cherish the last moments in which I am blessed to serve her just a little bit more, to bring just one more smile to her face, to caress her hand for just one more hour, to place one final kiss on her forehead, and to praise God for the years He gave us together.



Again, this essay is not about what I’m looking for a woman to be, but what I’m looking for her to value. No one is perfect, or even close to it—I know it all too well, because even with my good intentions, I mess up, too. No one gets it right all of the time or even a lot of the time. We are all fragile vessels.

But I want to get it right. I want to be loving, caring, and excellent, and I’m looking for someone who feels the same. What matters is not perfection, but direction. I'm not saying, “This is where I am”; I'm saying, “This is where I'm going.” I want my wife to be proud of me, and I want to be proud of her. This is not about either of us being flawless, but about wanting to live a life within God's will. It is about wanting to honor Him and please each other. These are the values and dreams I’m heading toward. I believe in clarifying deal-breakers early on.

I know that some people might read this essay and feel intimidated, or consider themselves unable to measure up, when in fact they may be just second-guessing themselves. We all tend to be critical of ourselves, and we are often our own worst judges. This essay and my search aren’t about someone “living up to” a standard or an ideal. I’m simply explaining the general direction of heart that I’m looking for in a woman.

I am looking for someone who truly is this person in her heart. I do not want someone who thinks it might be possible to be this kind of woman, but one who would find it impossible not to be. I am looking for a specifically shaped heart that will match mine, and I am willing to wait until I find it.

I am looking for someone who truly shares these core values. I am not looking for someone who wants to fit into a mold or who would be willing to pursue these ideals for my sake. I am not looking for someone who would be willing to take them on as a project because they sound nice to her. I’m looking for someone who already shares these core values and has been headed in these directions for many years. These core values are real in my life, and I am looking forward to meeting a woman whose life exemplifies them as well.

Distance is not an issue. I would cross the ocean to find the woman who shares these values.



The values I have described in this essay are truly mine. This is where my heart is. These are my dreams, through and through. I live these values every day. I am not and will not be coerced into society's weak, immature, and degrading values and perspectives. I am willing to live a radical life for Christ, for my wife and family, and for own integrity. I believe in exalting the love we are capable of and the beauty we are privileged to share because of Christ who lives in us. These core values should be natural and easy to those of us who are saved by and living by grace, even though they sound extreme or idealistic to the world.

If you are looking for a spouse, too, then I wish you the best in your search. I pray often for not only myself, but also for a lot of single friends, both that we would be patient in the process and yet that God would bring true love to us soon. God says that “it is not good for man to be alone,” and He designed most people to strongly pursue marriage and to thoroughly enjoy it, which I intend to do someday as well, Lord willing.

I am eager to share my heart with my wife, to express affection, and to create a beautiful masterpiece of love to God's glory and our delight. I truly believe that dreams come true, and that love can blossom and stay strong.

I’m looking for someone who can read all this and say that it’s what she’s been looking for. Someone who is completely comfortable, confident, and encouraged by finding a man who stands for what I do and is involved in what I am, who finds that what she has read here resonates very strongly with her heart. To me, the only way a relationship will seem right is if these core values are shared by both of us.

When I dream these dreams, I feel God's pleasure. I sense Him smiling on these desires, like a sculptor or painter saying proudly, “I created that.” My heart's desire is to give glory to God. If a relationship with a life partner would increase that glory to Him, then full speed ahead, and to God be the glory.